Equanimity
by walkingshadow0
Summary: It hurt. And it bled. And it made him feel ... free. S/J


It was strange watching Kerry Johnson dance with some other guy. Strange, but, not terrible. There wasn't any 'kick to the gut', any instant regret or thoughts of 'what might have been'. Just a trailing sense of acceptance.

Jack had definitely gotten old. Mature at the very least. He had sworn he would never be either. He'd never be old because he was destined to go out in a blaze of glory - for the greater good. He'd never be mature because, where the hell was the fun in that? Somehow, he'd managed to defy both personal vows.

Kerry looked like she was having a good time. She had on a carefree, familiar smile. Jack felt himself nodding silently as though somehow he was answering an internal question he'd never given voice to.

Across the room, Hank Landry was holding court with a gaggle of new SGC recruits: fresh, prim, starched mess dress uniforms with accolades positioned 'just so' on each of their eager chests. That was worth a chuckle. He remembered feeling that same sense of awe and honor once. A long time ago...

God and country. Country and god. Somehow, those two words seemed smaller now. The magnitude of planets and galaxies, realities and the universe outweighed them. Maybe there was a God that swallowed it all up in the end; maybe there was only hope. His gran would've dragged him by the scruff to the nearest priest for even thinking such a thing. There were days he really missed her. Not a goauld in the galaxy was a match for Shannon O'Neill.

But the goauld were gone now too it seemed. If there was any justice in the universe, his gran was 'up there' somewhere beating Anubis with the flat of her walking stick even now... Amazingly enough the world was as safe as it had ever been.

The final days of summer had departed without ceremony, along with Teal'c - to the Dakara Free Jaffa, Daniel to pack for his post on Atlantis, and Carter for the infamous corridors of Area 51. He'd asked her to bring him back a little green man, if she found any down there. She'd punched him in the arm and grinned.

The trouble was, Washington was boring as hell. Especially without a familiar pair of wide blue eyes to drop in on unannounced, a familiar geek to tease about his bookishness, or a burly Jaffa to keep him heading to the gym each day.

Jack was getting soft, pushing papers, and he hated every instant of it. Even the infrequent opportunity to visit Colorado Springs for a stuffy, dressed up event like this, was welcome. Despite the fact that Daniel had conveniently skipped out of town for a few days, Teal'c wasn't even on the planet anymore and Carter was busy running a facility three thousand miles distant. A part of him would always feel home at Cheyenne Mountain. No matter the crew.

Kerry and her dance partner exited the floor and there seemed to be a lull in the crowd just long enough that Jack managed to find a path to the door. He'd said his hellos and put in his face time; popped into the gate room for a few short minutes. Now if he was lucky, he could make it back to his - somewhat neglected - house in time for the second hockey game of the season. A year ago he'd though of selling it for a few minutes. The house. But memories were powerful motivators. Or de-motivators, as the case warranted. Every team night SG-1 had ever had ended up in that house.

He'd made it half way to his truck when an all-too-familiar sensation picked the back of his neck. A bright flash of light enveloped him, and the last word out of his mouth before he disappeared completely was a frustrated, partially vocalized: "Tho--!"

---

"--orrrr!"

Jack materialized and spun around to re-iterate - for what felt like the zillionth time - just how impolite and _wrong_ it was to beam a person up without so much as a how-do-ya-do. One hundred and eighty degrees into his turn, he froze, and the words he'd been about to say died on his lips. Replaced, instead, with:

"Thor. My how you've changed."

A bright, familiar grin shone back at him through a pair of sparking blue eyes. "Meh. That whole _'skinny grey alien'_ thing just wasn't working for me anymore."

"Not that I'm not _thrilled_ to see you, Carter," Jack glanced back and forth across what appeared to be a sterile, decidedly earth-bound lab space, "But what the hell am I doing here, exactly?"

"I had to test it," she shrugged. Were it not for the fact that she continued to bestow the most magical of all Samantha Carter smiles upon him, and the fact that he'd missed her insanely for the previous several months, Jack might have opted to strangle her. Instead, he cleared his throat when it became obvious that further elucidation would not be forthcoming.

"Well, that explains everything then."

Her smile became a grin. "Sorry, I meant, the Asgard transport device."

"Which we have several of..."

"Not like this!" The excitement in her voice was contagious and Jack found himself peering over her lab-coat covered shoulder at a terminal display on a nearby desk. She gestured toward it. "It's completely untraceable. And according to Doctor Phillip, we can operate it with minimal power consumption; the implication of that is incredible, any facility, anywhere in the world, could conceivably..."

"Ah!" Jack scrubbed at the back of his neck. "Doctor Phil?"

"Phillip," she corrected.

"Right," Jack said. "So this device is cool because it's untraceable and I can plug it into the cigarette lighter in my truck."

Sam paused for an instant with her mouth still partially open. "Essentially," she granted, "Yeah."

Jack held her gaze. "Which made it necessary for you to beam me here IMMEDIATELY."

"No."

Her decisiveness took him aback. "No?"

"No."

"No... "

"No," Averting her eyes for an instant, she looked back at him, "I had to test it on someone with clearance at a secure facility."

"And mine was the first name that popped up in glowing red alert letters on your computer."

"Siler was actually expecting me to try it on him."

"But...?"

"You were at the SGC."

"I was," he acknowledged.

"I missed you."

Well, that was... unexpected. Jack blinked, and swallowed, and blinked again. But all he could come up with was a fairly pathetic sounding, "Oh."

"Yeah." Sam looked aside again; this time she shook her head. "Pretty pathetic, huh?"

"Carter--"

"I know, I'm sorry, I guess I just--"

"Carter--"

"I mean, I thought it'd be--"

"Carter!" Jack took two solid steps toward her and placed his hands on her shoulders, forcing her to look up at him.

"Yes, sir?"

He smirked. "Do you realize that is the first time you've called me 'Sir' since I got here?"

She looked away again. "Actually... yes, sir, I do."

"Well, stop it." He admonished. "I liked you better when you were breaking all kinds of rules and babbling at me."

He knew he'd gotten through to her when her lips turned up at the edges and she offered him an impish smile. "Technically, I didn't break any rules."

"Not yet," he murmured, bending ever closer until their faces were mere millimeters apart, "Lets start now, shall we?"

And so it was, they shared their first - real - kiss. In a locked out, concrete lab, deep in the bowels of Area 51. No preamble, no deep discussion, no awkward hesitance - well, almost no awkward hesitance, and Jack was fairly certain none of it was on his part.

Carter tasted like the first fresh rain of spring; partly he assumed, due to the candy she'd been sucking on before his tongue invaded her eager, warm, mouth. Her eyes were closed, her palm caressed the nape of his neck, and all he could think of was how god-damned _hot_ she was, pressed against him in BDUs and a harshly pressed white lab coat.

When air became an existential priority, their mouths disengaged and Carter ran her tongue across her lips before both of her eyes slid open.

"Wow." She smiled at him. She beamed at him. He'd never seen anything more beautiful in his entire life, and he didn't even care what kind of sentimental old fool that made him.

"Indeed," Jack arched a brow in a vain attempt to imitate their mutual friend in both gesture and voice. Sam's requisite chuckle drew both his hands up to caress her arms from shoulder to elbow in long, gentle strokes.

"Did we just--"

"We did," he affirmed. "It was... nice."

Extricating one of her hands from around his neck, Sam poked him playfully in the chest. "You _really_ need to work on your vocabulary, mister."

"I could do that," he replied nonchalantly, "But then, that is what I have you for."

"Jack," her fingertips caressed his cheek and he felt himself leaning tentatively into her touch. "I really did miss you."

"Me too."

Tilting her head toward the console next to them, she sighed. "I worked all night to get the phase iterations right."

"You know, we do have these things called phones..."

"I wanted to see you."

"Video conferencing...you even showed me how to use mine, once. I think."

"Are you complaining?" This time it was she who arched a brow.

"Nope," Jack hurried, "You _are_ the resident genius around this galaxy."

He was unprepared for the force of the embrace she offered him when she wrapped her arms around his body once more. But he returned it without hesitation. Closing his eyes, he inhaled the smell of her hair, longer now, and pressed a chaste kiss to the base of her neck.

She shivered, tucking herself closer, full-length against the front of his body. It was a good time, he realized. A very good time. The right time.

"I do adore you, you know." He whispered near the edge of her ear, feeling her stiffen for an instant and then turn her head before clasping the side of his face, coaxing it down toward hers. Their mouths met and it was both passionate and gentle. Arousing and comforting.

"I wanted to touch you," she whispered; swallowing his opportunity to reply. She kissed his neck, and then his jaw, and then his mouth once more. "I love you so much."

This time, Jack realized, it did feel like a kick to the gut. A deep, abiding ache that spiraled from the centre of his being and surrounded them both. It hurt. And it bled. And it made him feel ... free.

.

the end


End file.
